"guuhhgrag arghftpt uh ug"...

Markus: Do you hate me?

Jessi: No.

Markus: You just don't love me anymore?

Jessi: No, that's not it.

Markus: Are you mad at me?

Jessi: Yes.

Markus: [laugh]

Jessi: And before you ask why, let me just tell you, I am mad at you because I told you weeks ago to put that flea medicine on Jack, and you said, "guuhhgrag arghftpt uh ug, nah, it's past the season…".

Markus: [laugh out loud] What's that I said?

Jessi: You heard me, it's what all men say when they think they know more than their woman. It's a man thing. You men say it all the time, like this, "guuhhgrag arghftpt uh ug [whatever the opposite of what your woman is telling you to do is]".

Markus: [still laughing] ermuhgawd you're really mad at me right now.

Jessi: Yes, yes I am. Because I told you to put that flea stuff on him and you didn't, even though he kept scratching. "Oh, he just has sensitive skin," you told me. Bull. And that was weeks ago! And then you found fleas in your house and had to flee the area [no pun intended do NOT laugh any more at that] and now you've brought them to my house.


Earlier…


Jessi: What's that on Kudzu's face?

Markus: Cat stuff.

Jessi: It's a flea.

Markus: No it's not.

Jessi: Yes, yes it is [pop] ew, gross…

Markus: Well I put flea medicine on Jack last night, so they should be gone by now, and then we left the house this morning after I set the bombs off inside…

Jessi: Well, Kudzu gets her flea medicine every first of the month, and it's not the cheap kind, and she doesn't go outside, soooo…

[Jessi and Markus look at Jack's bed]

Jessi: Markus, do you think perhaps they are in his bed?

Markus: We can take the cover off it and put it in the washer.

Jessi: Let's do that.

[pause for hesitation]

Jessi: And by "let's do that", I mean why don't you do that, like right now.

[Markus gets up to separate cover from foam bed]

Jessi: Markus, do you think they could also be in the foam of the bed?

Markus: No.

Jessi: What makes you think they aren't in the foam?

Markus: They're in the foam too, I see one.

Jessi: Uh-huh. Why don't you take that out of the house too?

[While Markus takes care of the bed, Jessi turns on the vacuum cleaner]

Markus: Can I take a photo of that and instagram it?

Jessi: Of what?

Markus: Of you vacuuming in your heels.

Jessi: You just said that.

Kudzu's first day of rehab...

My cat is addicted to crack. The catnip kind.

I was telling a coworker today about how I discovered she is scratching the wall paper off of the walls in my dining room. It's a textured wall paper, so she can really grab ahold of it. Here I was thinking my awarding treats every time she uses her scratch pad was working. Guess it doesn't work so much when I'm not home to treat her.

My colleague asked if I had any catnip in the house.

Well, yeah, ALL her toys have catnip in them. So does one of her scratch pads, although it's not her preferred post.

"Jessica...you're cat's probably high off all the catnip, and that's why she acts berserk all the time!"

Well $#!t...

Here I am thinking I have saved this poor kitty's life by adopting her from the Humane Society. On the contrary, I have brought her home to a kitty crack-house!

When I discovered the wall paper being scratched off the walls this past weekend, I picked up a spray bottle at Wal Mart and filled it with water. Now we're not just practicing the I-get-a-treat-when-I-use-the-scratch-pad technique, we're also practicing the spray-water-in-face-whenever-I-do-something-that-lady-doesn't-want-me-to-do technique.

All of her catnip-crack toys have been moved into a cupboard in her litter box room - she's already tried scratching it open to get them out. Most times she gets sprayed once and takes the hint. She tried breaking in to the catnip cupboard seven times before she quit.

Now all I have to do is hold up the bottle of water when she acts out and she takes off at lightening speed.

Poor cat. She's deprived of all crack, cold-turkey, snoozing on the sofa table now where the fish used to sit. Poor Puppy has been moved to the mantle. After Kudzu started drinking the water, it was only a matter of time before she fished puppy out of his bowl...way to go ME for having that foresight!

My herpetologist sister called her feline specialist friend and he suggested a few things I'm going to try, including giving her her own room (now that I have a room to spare) full of all her toys and scratch posts, litter, food, etc. We'll see how that goes....