I returned for another Abbey Program Feb. 6. Moved in to my studio room on the third floor a few days later and so began the nights of not sleeping.
At first I thought it must be jetlag, that's all. But then my refrigerator started clanking around at odd hours of the night waking me from slumber. The first night it happened I walked over to it, to shook it around, looked inside to see where the noise was coming from, etc...found nothing. The sound happens every night, beginning around 11:30 and continuing sporadically throughout the darkness.
Let me describe this sound, because some of you are thinking: ignore it and go to sleep.
Imagine a glacier. And then imagine someone chipping away at this glacier piece by piece for a few minutes until a huge chunk comes rattling off. This sound, this is what I hear. And it is not a quiet sound. It is a huge echoing sound. it sounds like these icicles are tumbling down the back of my fridge.
I checked inside, and there's a thin layer of ice in the freezer, but that should be there, right? I shook the fridge around, hoping more of these icicles would fall and the sound would end, but that didn't work at all. Hmmmm....
Yesterday, during the daylight, I was preparing to boil some eggs (to go with my French mayonnaise, of course) and I heard a sound. Not THE sound, but A sound...so I opened the fridge, thinking I would catch a view of the glacier icicles falling while it happened. Instead, in a brief flash, something dark jumped out of my cereal box and ran down the back of my fridge. THAT'S WHEN I HEARD THE SOUND!
MICE! Or, in French, "souris".
Great.
Fantastic.
[enter a variation of some stronger and more explicit choice words when this realization really sunk in]
The French word for something which brings you worry or concern is, "souci". The word for mice is "souris". Those of you who know me well will find it completely normal that I might mix these words up occasionally. So, during the host family meeting last night, without any time to worry about the army of mice living in my wall behind my fridge, I was telling a lovely French host mother about my discovery. I said, "J'ai des soucis dans ma chambre" (I have worries/concerns in my room".
She looked at me a bit puzzled.
So I thought, perhaps, I wasn't pronouncing something correctly. I repeated myself and still she looked confused. So I reenacted what a mouse might act like...and she laughed and said, "ooh tu as des souris dans ta chambre!"
Right...souris. "Oui, oui, j'ai des souris dans ma chambre et ils me fait du souci"! (Yes, I have mice in my room and they cause my worry/concern).
I haven't seen a whole mouse since the dash from my box of cereal, but I did see a tail hanging over the top of my fridge last night when I returned from dinner. At that point I took all my dry food and shut it up in my micro-onde (microwave) and went to bed. I heard the little buzzards just as I was falling asleep, but either I slept really hard after that or they didn't come out again when they realized there was nothing to eat.
Today, Matt, the property director, brought me some mousetraps. They are named, "souriciere LUCIFER". They look like an inverse guillotine created by the director of SAW whatever-number-they're-on-now. As grotesque as they sound, I don't have much faith in them.
It's not that I hate mice. I can live with mice - it's just the NOISE. If they would sleep when I sleep we'd have a perfect relationship. Heck, I might even leave them some food now and then.
So....this will be my adventure this semester: Jess et les souris qui me font du souci dans les nuits du bruit. I don't even know if that works but it rhymes.
18.12.10
home for the holidays
Mom and Dad came home today. It never feels like a holiday until they are home. We (Jenny and I) were all at grandmama's with the rest of the grandkids making apple pie, apple date cake, and Christmas decorations out of paper plates, wrapping paper and stickers. Lori called, "guess who's at the airport?" We expected mom and dad at 8:30PM from Jakarta via Singapore, Moscow and Houston. it was around 4 when Lori called.
"Who?"
"Your mom and dad!"
"What? Oh! Well I guess I"ll go get them then!" So Jenny and I scrambled up our stuff and be-bopped over to the airport.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had grown up in the U.S. Or if mom and dad had moved home when I moved to college, or at least when Jenny moved here. Instead, our parents continue to travel the world and explore new places. Sometimes it makes living in Hattiesburg difficult, I think of how much I'm missing out there...
I wonder if I will ever feel 100% happy/comfortable/content/satisfied with where I am or what I'm doing. Part of me thinks I need to move back overseas full time - I feel like I have the Peace Corps application to fall back on if I ever REALLY get desperate. That's something on my bucketlist. But my current employment sends me abroad - I'm itching to get back to Asia though...perhaps I'll save up for a trip to visit M&D in Jakarta next year.
Then sometimes I think if I met the right guy, and it was the right timing, then it wouldn't matter where I lived, because every day would be an adventure.
That's what it is....this need to be constantly challenged, to feel adventure even if it's within every day routine. Right now I'm challenged at work. Career-wise I'm loving it more everyday. Especially when I don't let silly things like unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails, or beautiful memories, or people riding the elevator ONE flight, or other people's personal issues...when I don't let insignificant things like these bog me down I'm focused and on my game. When I'm on, I'm so on and love life.
It's when I start making compromises - too many, I start to notice my attitude turns sour.
When I can't make a clean break, or get any kind of closure in certain areas of my life, my emotions start to take control and I certainly don't like that feeling.
I have a lot to think about. I need to move on from something whether I get to do it in a clean way (my way) or not....I feel like this post has gone from excitement about M&D coming home to my frustrations within my personal life. Maybe I don't want a personal life anymore, maybe I just need a break from all that. Period. Who knows? We'll see.
For now, Mom and Dad are home, I have two weeks off work, that's all I want or need for the time being.
Have a wonderful day/night/evening and I'll do my best to make my next post less vague and all-over-the-place.
"Who?"
"Your mom and dad!"
"What? Oh! Well I guess I"ll go get them then!" So Jenny and I scrambled up our stuff and be-bopped over to the airport.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had grown up in the U.S. Or if mom and dad had moved home when I moved to college, or at least when Jenny moved here. Instead, our parents continue to travel the world and explore new places. Sometimes it makes living in Hattiesburg difficult, I think of how much I'm missing out there...
I wonder if I will ever feel 100% happy/comfortable/content/satisfied with where I am or what I'm doing. Part of me thinks I need to move back overseas full time - I feel like I have the Peace Corps application to fall back on if I ever REALLY get desperate. That's something on my bucketlist. But my current employment sends me abroad - I'm itching to get back to Asia though...perhaps I'll save up for a trip to visit M&D in Jakarta next year.
Then sometimes I think if I met the right guy, and it was the right timing, then it wouldn't matter where I lived, because every day would be an adventure.
That's what it is....this need to be constantly challenged, to feel adventure even if it's within every day routine. Right now I'm challenged at work. Career-wise I'm loving it more everyday. Especially when I don't let silly things like unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails, or beautiful memories, or people riding the elevator ONE flight, or other people's personal issues...when I don't let insignificant things like these bog me down I'm focused and on my game. When I'm on, I'm so on and love life.
It's when I start making compromises - too many, I start to notice my attitude turns sour.
When I can't make a clean break, or get any kind of closure in certain areas of my life, my emotions start to take control and I certainly don't like that feeling.
I have a lot to think about. I need to move on from something whether I get to do it in a clean way (my way) or not....I feel like this post has gone from excitement about M&D coming home to my frustrations within my personal life. Maybe I don't want a personal life anymore, maybe I just need a break from all that. Period. Who knows? We'll see.
For now, Mom and Dad are home, I have two weeks off work, that's all I want or need for the time being.
Have a wonderful day/night/evening and I'll do my best to make my next post less vague and all-over-the-place.
I was learned a new phrase...
"If I tell you a dominicker hen dips snuff, look under her wing, she's hidin the can!"
What does that mean?
"It means, if I tell you to take an umbrella, it's gonna rain."
Oh.
Alrighty then.
What does that mean?
"It means, if I tell you to take an umbrella, it's gonna rain."
Oh.
Alrighty then.
14.9.10
Light dinnertime conversation...
What makes a "real American"?
When you say, "freedom of religion", what you mean is that I have the freedom to practice any Christian denomination, right?
I've always been told, you don't get to pick your family, but you love them anyway. And boy do I. I LOVE my family, every single person, and will stand by them and stand up for them in any given opportunity.
But it is difficult to understand how I'm related to everyone in my family when I have such different beliefs and values than so many of them - and when my priorities are just not the same...
The other night at dinner, the conversation reflected what I'm attempting to explain:
I don't remember exactly how it came up. But it was my grandmother who brought up the topic of the mosque/community center that is going up near ground zero in NYC. She went off about how it's such a disgrace they are allowing them to build there, that it shouldn't even be an option. The government should just stop that, it
shouldn't even be a question or an issue.
Generally I would just change the subject, because I know she will never see the world through my eyes and as much as I try to see things through her perspective, I simply cannot agree with her - understand where she is coming from, yes, but agree, no. It would be like traveling back in time, and denying my entire up-bringing, all the life experience I've had through travel...My eyes have just been too open for too long to step back in time. For some reason I decided to try my best at a reasonable conversation this time...I explained that the whole issue has become a big deal because people are making it a big deal.
And I don't see what the big deal is - if it were a church no one would have a problem with it. For real. My grandmother said that no Christian would even consider building a church there, it's like building on a graveyard, and NO church would consider doing that, and that's that. Only Muslims would do that. I did NOT say that I live next door to a chapel that was built over a graveyard for four months every year in France - then she probably would have made a comment about how the French are not Americans, and no American Christians would build a church over a graveyard. Instead I said, "Muslims died in that attack too - American Muslims, let's not forget". She said she was sorry for that.
She said that Muslims are going to get their way with the building of this mosque, and then take over this whole country piece by piece, "I believe that is truly their intention, to convert every single American to Islam".
I said, "who's telling you this? Bill O'Reilly? Fox News? It's all propaganda..."
This is when my cousin stepped in and said some really smart things. He said that all news channels are biased in some way shape or form (duh). All religions want the rest of the world to convert to their religion, that's what religion is - spreading their "word", so yes, it makes sense that Muslims want others to convert and Christians want others to convert, that's no surprise - but that has nothing to do with building a mosque near ground zero. Building that mosque isn't going
to convert people to Islam.
The conversation shifted to radical Muslims being the same as radical Christians and my cousin followed up on that too - he had specific events he cited showing how Christians give other Christians a bad name, and it's the same thing with Islam. What about that Christian cult in whatever-state-it-was that was raping all those women...or something like that. I really do have an awful memory.
That's when I stepped back in and mentioned that what scares me the most about this debate, is that people in this "land of the free" are protesting one of my constitutional rights: the right to practice whatever religion it is that I wish to practice! I will fight for my neighbor's right, because it is also my right, and I don't want anyone to take that away from me (or you). I reiterated that our country was FOUNDED upon this idea of FREEDOM, and freedom of religion happens to be a right of every American!
My grandmother said, "our country was founded on the freedom of a Protestant
religion"....UGH.
Then the conversation turned to: "this Imam, or whatever he is called, I'm just not sure he's even a real American anyway."
I asked, "what makes a real American?" She didn't quite answer the question but I didn't exactly give her time to - because I said, "I was born in India - am I a real American?" ...crickets....
"Or, am I a real American because I'm white and I was raised Christian?"
Eventually it turned in to, "well, this country, this world, is in a dire state Jessica, and no one can deny that! And you can't just sit idly by and watch, you have to do something about it" I said, "it truly is, and I too am concerned about Global Warming more than anything else, thanks for bringing the bigger picture in to view - we all have to live here together and if we don't take care of our world,
no one will have a place to call home."
This is when my cousin and I turned to sarcasm. I mentioned how sad it made me to hear the polar bears just keep swimming because they have no ice to land on, and how
populations are deteriorating (which was partially sarcastic but really is the bigger picture)....
My grandmother said, "well you can go and talk to Al Gore about all that then, he supposedly knows..."
My cousin said, "I haven't seen him around lately, have you?"
I said, "No, sure haven't, I'll have to give him a call soon"....
Later that weekend my grandmother asked me if I had seen any of the 9/11 stuff (I might also mention the conversation above took place the night before 9/11/2010). I asked if she meant that morning on TV (with the memorials they were running and the History Channel special) and she said no, the real live event.
ABSOLUTELY! My life was seriously affected! As an American abroad, living in the Middle East??? Come on! I watched the second plane hit the second tower, I had just arrived home after soccer practice and didn't know what was going on, but I knew something was wrong. School was closed for two weeks. "Friends" of mine argued with me saying the USA "had it coming" - it was awful!
Part of me thinks she was trying to get me in a tight spot - one of those, "well if you had seen it, if you had been here in America, this mosque issue would be
more troublesome to you"....
Yes, that is correct. If I had grown up in America, I would be a completely different person - and the issues that trouble you so much probably would trouble me just the same. But that's just not the case. At all.
I'm just happy that I am confident enough in what I believe in, and in myself, and my values, to be able to speak openly about these things. I am so happy to be curious enough to hold conversations with others who are so different from me. I firmly believe that insecurity and ignorance are the reasons some people are so quick to shun others for being "different". Some people can not and will not even attempt to enter a discussion with anyone who doesn't share their same beliefs. I welcome those discussions (for the most part, sometimes I'm just not in the mood, I'm definitely not a fire-starter) - and I fully understand that we have to agree to disagree in most cases.
That's all for now.
When you say, "freedom of religion", what you mean is that I have the freedom to practice any Christian denomination, right?
I've always been told, you don't get to pick your family, but you love them anyway. And boy do I. I LOVE my family, every single person, and will stand by them and stand up for them in any given opportunity.
But it is difficult to understand how I'm related to everyone in my family when I have such different beliefs and values than so many of them - and when my priorities are just not the same...
The other night at dinner, the conversation reflected what I'm attempting to explain:
I don't remember exactly how it came up. But it was my grandmother who brought up the topic of the mosque/community center that is going up near ground zero in NYC. She went off about how it's such a disgrace they are allowing them to build there, that it shouldn't even be an option. The government should just stop that, it
shouldn't even be a question or an issue.
Generally I would just change the subject, because I know she will never see the world through my eyes and as much as I try to see things through her perspective, I simply cannot agree with her - understand where she is coming from, yes, but agree, no. It would be like traveling back in time, and denying my entire up-bringing, all the life experience I've had through travel...My eyes have just been too open for too long to step back in time. For some reason I decided to try my best at a reasonable conversation this time...I explained that the whole issue has become a big deal because people are making it a big deal.
And I don't see what the big deal is - if it were a church no one would have a problem with it. For real. My grandmother said that no Christian would even consider building a church there, it's like building on a graveyard, and NO church would consider doing that, and that's that. Only Muslims would do that. I did NOT say that I live next door to a chapel that was built over a graveyard for four months every year in France - then she probably would have made a comment about how the French are not Americans, and no American Christians would build a church over a graveyard. Instead I said, "Muslims died in that attack too - American Muslims, let's not forget". She said she was sorry for that.
She said that Muslims are going to get their way with the building of this mosque, and then take over this whole country piece by piece, "I believe that is truly their intention, to convert every single American to Islam".
I said, "who's telling you this? Bill O'Reilly? Fox News? It's all propaganda..."
This is when my cousin stepped in and said some really smart things. He said that all news channels are biased in some way shape or form (duh). All religions want the rest of the world to convert to their religion, that's what religion is - spreading their "word", so yes, it makes sense that Muslims want others to convert and Christians want others to convert, that's no surprise - but that has nothing to do with building a mosque near ground zero. Building that mosque isn't going
to convert people to Islam.
The conversation shifted to radical Muslims being the same as radical Christians and my cousin followed up on that too - he had specific events he cited showing how Christians give other Christians a bad name, and it's the same thing with Islam. What about that Christian cult in whatever-state-it-was that was raping all those women...or something like that. I really do have an awful memory.
That's when I stepped back in and mentioned that what scares me the most about this debate, is that people in this "land of the free" are protesting one of my constitutional rights: the right to practice whatever religion it is that I wish to practice! I will fight for my neighbor's right, because it is also my right, and I don't want anyone to take that away from me (or you). I reiterated that our country was FOUNDED upon this idea of FREEDOM, and freedom of religion happens to be a right of every American!
My grandmother said, "our country was founded on the freedom of a Protestant
religion"....UGH.
Then the conversation turned to: "this Imam, or whatever he is called, I'm just not sure he's even a real American anyway."
I asked, "what makes a real American?" She didn't quite answer the question but I didn't exactly give her time to - because I said, "I was born in India - am I a real American?" ...crickets....
"Or, am I a real American because I'm white and I was raised Christian?"
Eventually it turned in to, "well, this country, this world, is in a dire state Jessica, and no one can deny that! And you can't just sit idly by and watch, you have to do something about it" I said, "it truly is, and I too am concerned about Global Warming more than anything else, thanks for bringing the bigger picture in to view - we all have to live here together and if we don't take care of our world,
no one will have a place to call home."
This is when my cousin and I turned to sarcasm. I mentioned how sad it made me to hear the polar bears just keep swimming because they have no ice to land on, and how
populations are deteriorating (which was partially sarcastic but really is the bigger picture)....
My grandmother said, "well you can go and talk to Al Gore about all that then, he supposedly knows..."
My cousin said, "I haven't seen him around lately, have you?"
I said, "No, sure haven't, I'll have to give him a call soon"....
Later that weekend my grandmother asked me if I had seen any of the 9/11 stuff (I might also mention the conversation above took place the night before 9/11/2010). I asked if she meant that morning on TV (with the memorials they were running and the History Channel special) and she said no, the real live event.
ABSOLUTELY! My life was seriously affected! As an American abroad, living in the Middle East??? Come on! I watched the second plane hit the second tower, I had just arrived home after soccer practice and didn't know what was going on, but I knew something was wrong. School was closed for two weeks. "Friends" of mine argued with me saying the USA "had it coming" - it was awful!
Part of me thinks she was trying to get me in a tight spot - one of those, "well if you had seen it, if you had been here in America, this mosque issue would be
more troublesome to you"....
Yes, that is correct. If I had grown up in America, I would be a completely different person - and the issues that trouble you so much probably would trouble me just the same. But that's just not the case. At all.
I'm just happy that I am confident enough in what I believe in, and in myself, and my values, to be able to speak openly about these things. I am so happy to be curious enough to hold conversations with others who are so different from me. I firmly believe that insecurity and ignorance are the reasons some people are so quick to shun others for being "different". Some people can not and will not even attempt to enter a discussion with anyone who doesn't share their same beliefs. I welcome those discussions (for the most part, sometimes I'm just not in the mood, I'm definitely not a fire-starter) - and I fully understand that we have to agree to disagree in most cases.
That's all for now.
19.8.10
Small, tiny, world...
I just sent the below Facebook message to several girlfriends from high school...
So you know (or maybe not) I live in MS part of the year, France part of the year and London for a little in the summer....I'm back in MS for a few months until I move back to France in Feb. I was walking up the stairs to my office this morning and heard someone say, "well look who it is...."
I looked up and there was this guy standing there, on the landing halfway between the 3rd and 4th floors (my office is on the 4th) looking at me.
"Hiiii, how you doing?" I said, as I continued to go up the stairs - it was one of those, "clearly he made a mistake, he thinks I'm someone else, but I'm not going to make him feel like and ass, so I'll just say hi and go on". Because I didn't know him.
But then I stopped and did a double take - wait - I knew him.
No I didn't.
Yes I did.
No, he just looks familiar...
You can imagine my face going back and forth like this...I acted as "normal" as possible as he walked up the stairs with me, and I asked questions like, "what are you doing here...are you planning to study abroad....again"? The whole time trying to place what part of my life I knew this random dude from! I thought, "did he go to the Abbey with me as a student in 2004?", no, I don't remember him from there..."did he go to HIGH SCHOOL with me?" Nooooo....that's not possible, why would anyone from my high school be here in Hattiesburg, MS? That's too random, think smaller Jess....the whole time he's talking I'm hearing only bits and pieces of what he's saying because I'm starting to feel like I should know him and it's been a really long time, and if I can't place him soon it's going to drive me crazy.
So anyway...I learned from those few minutes that he was just starting his degree here, he had filled out one of our interest cards but no one ever got back to him so he was in our office yesterday to see Dr. Steen (my Director) about a Fulbright Scholarship to study abroad, and noticed my name on the wall (outside my office) and thought, "it can't be the same Jessica Lamb..."
What does THAT mean?
He left, and I sat down at my desk going INSANE! I told my colleague about it, she asked "Jessica, why the HELL didn't you ask him his name?"
BECAAAAAAUSE something told me I was supposed to know him and that I COULDN'T ask his name because that would have been so insulting and show just how awful a memory I have....
He came back....he said, "I just wondered when a good time would be to catch up on old times...."
"Well, why don't you just come on in right now! Let's catch up! And since you already mentioned you gave us your information and we didn't contact you, go ahead and fill out another form and I'll put you on our list RIGHT NOW"
"Sure, I can do that - what information do you want?"
"Full name, ID#, email address...."
"Alright. So, how's your dad?"
WHAT?? This dude knows my dad....WHERE do I KNOW him from!?!?!?
He finished filling out the card and I checked out his name....
EDWAND RIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's when I started to FREAK OUT.
Then I came clean, I was like, HOLY CRAP EDWAND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I KNEW I KNEW YOU BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER AND NOW EVERYTHING IS RUSHING BACK TO ME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????
You guys....I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. He asked me if I keep in touch with anyone, I told him only what I know from my own facebook stalking....IT WAS CRAZY!
So now Ed goes to college at USM - random.
Just had to share this moment with you guys, hope it was entertaining for you too.
Much love!
So you know (or maybe not) I live in MS part of the year, France part of the year and London for a little in the summer....I'm back in MS for a few months until I move back to France in Feb. I was walking up the stairs to my office this morning and heard someone say, "well look who it is...."
I looked up and there was this guy standing there, on the landing halfway between the 3rd and 4th floors (my office is on the 4th) looking at me.
"Hiiii, how you doing?" I said, as I continued to go up the stairs - it was one of those, "clearly he made a mistake, he thinks I'm someone else, but I'm not going to make him feel like and ass, so I'll just say hi and go on". Because I didn't know him.
But then I stopped and did a double take - wait - I knew him.
No I didn't.
Yes I did.
No, he just looks familiar...
You can imagine my face going back and forth like this...I acted as "normal" as possible as he walked up the stairs with me, and I asked questions like, "what are you doing here...are you planning to study abroad....again"? The whole time trying to place what part of my life I knew this random dude from! I thought, "did he go to the Abbey with me as a student in 2004?", no, I don't remember him from there..."did he go to HIGH SCHOOL with me?" Nooooo....that's not possible, why would anyone from my high school be here in Hattiesburg, MS? That's too random, think smaller Jess....the whole time he's talking I'm hearing only bits and pieces of what he's saying because I'm starting to feel like I should know him and it's been a really long time, and if I can't place him soon it's going to drive me crazy.
So anyway...I learned from those few minutes that he was just starting his degree here, he had filled out one of our interest cards but no one ever got back to him so he was in our office yesterday to see Dr. Steen (my Director) about a Fulbright Scholarship to study abroad, and noticed my name on the wall (outside my office) and thought, "it can't be the same Jessica Lamb..."
What does THAT mean?
He left, and I sat down at my desk going INSANE! I told my colleague about it, she asked "Jessica, why the HELL didn't you ask him his name?"
BECAAAAAAUSE something told me I was supposed to know him and that I COULDN'T ask his name because that would have been so insulting and show just how awful a memory I have....
He came back....he said, "I just wondered when a good time would be to catch up on old times...."
"Well, why don't you just come on in right now! Let's catch up! And since you already mentioned you gave us your information and we didn't contact you, go ahead and fill out another form and I'll put you on our list RIGHT NOW"
"Sure, I can do that - what information do you want?"
"Full name, ID#, email address...."
"Alright. So, how's your dad?"
WHAT?? This dude knows my dad....WHERE do I KNOW him from!?!?!?
He finished filling out the card and I checked out his name....
EDWAND RIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's when I started to FREAK OUT.
Then I came clean, I was like, HOLY CRAP EDWAND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I KNEW I KNEW YOU BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER AND NOW EVERYTHING IS RUSHING BACK TO ME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????
You guys....I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. He asked me if I keep in touch with anyone, I told him only what I know from my own facebook stalking....IT WAS CRAZY!
So now Ed goes to college at USM - random.
Just had to share this moment with you guys, hope it was entertaining for you too.
Much love!
17.8.10
grad school drop-out...
I withdrew from graduate school yesterday. I've been part-time for a year. Don't worry, I only have 9 hours under my belt due to not being able to take classes in the spring.
My friend Ronnie said to me, "Lamb, that's like, a THIRD of the way done!" Yes...okay, it is. BUT, at the rate I've been going it would be a least another two whole years before I could finish (and that's not including writing a thesis).
It hit me the other day, "I'm unhappy!"
It was an enlightening moment when I realized I've been so miserable lately because I'm completely overwhelmed. I can see now that it started months ago, probably around the time I returned from The Abbey. Since then I've been overworked, over-programmed, I haven't had enough "me" time, I don't get enough time to cultivate the relationships that are so important to me, or enough time to volunteer, or enough time to just read for pleasure! There were issues with the house right when I returned from London, I don't feel like I had a break between BSP and walking back into the office Monday (yes, I realize taking the weekend to go to AR in search of a bridesmaid dress was my choice, but also my duty as MOH, and I wanted to go), I've moved three times in less than a year (house, Pontlevoy, London), started graduate school in a program I now realize I "settled" for just to start a degree...
The list goes on but you catch my drift.
I came to the swift realization that I have ZERO interest in spending another moment of my precious time completing a degree I was pursuing "to have a degree". When I asked myself, "why are you in graduate school?" the only answer I could honestly state was, "to put it on my resume?"
WHAT? That's never been me. No, thank you.
Could I continue and complete the degree and do very well in the program? Yes, of course - but I don't WANT to. The professors are wonderful, I will miss being in class, and I was learning a lot, yes, but I have no interest in taking a Communication master's degree anywhere further. So why continue just to finish and be miserable along the way? I even went to the Department's welcome-back-to-school picnic the other day, just to be sure I wasn't having one of my flighty moments...but I didn't waiver.
Before I clicked "the button" - the button that would drop me from ALL classes - I sent an short email to dear friends and family I trust, just asking their thoughts. The reactions were different but similar. Everyone told me to do what is best for me.
Kim called to say, "I don't know why you even sent that email out, the fact that you sent it means you've already made up your mind to do it because you don't talk about things like this unless you've already decided what to do, so why do you care what anyone's opinion is?"
Ha! She's so right!
Sweet Lolly shared her 100-Page-Rule, "I have a 100 Page Rule when I read a book. I give it 100 pages to draw me in. If it doesn't happen by that 100th page - I put it down and give it away. There are too many lovely books to read and my time is too precious to waste." She said that it was clear I had reached my 100-page-limit!
Holly agreed with Lolly - and her response has been my favorite so far, "Finishing for the sake of finishing is no good. Would you finish all the french fries just because they are there - even if you knew it was going to stress you out because you ate them all? Would you drink a bad martini or would you order something else? Would you keep a dress you didn't really like that cost you $200 or would you return it and get a dress that you did like? Would you date a guy you weren't totally in love with just because you invested time and effort or would you "quit" him because that is the right thing to do (we know your answer to this one)? Life is too short. Say adios to this program and do something you like. You are awesome."
So, I did it. I clicked the button yesterday. That was an event in itself. I had to complete a survey questioning why I was leaving - and then a screen popped up sharing all the departments that would be notified of my "dropping out". Luckyday was one of them and I didn't have the option to un-click it even though I don't receive any aid from them anymore. For those of you who don't know, The Luckyday Scholarship is a service-learning-based scholarship I was a part of in undergrad and am now still involved in as part of the Alumni Board. I was instructed to phone the Director PIROR to my completing the withdrawal process. The number listed was Staci's - so I called, and informed her of my decision. I have always been one to follow the rules and do things, "the right way". She said very few students actually call, so I was setting a great example! Thanks Staci :)
At the very end of the survey I was told that personnel from our retention office would be in contact with me over the next 48 hours to discuss my decision.
NOOOOOO! I don't want to TALK about it anymore!
Then it occurred to me that the Office of Retention is down the hall from my office - I KNOW those people! So I marched down to see Dr. Kemker. Laura was on the phone so I walked right into his office, sat down, and the word vomit commenced. I think, by the sight of his grinning the entire time I spoke without breathing, he found amusement in my story?
"Hi, can I come in? I just clicked that button to drop ALL my classes so I'm withdrawing from Graduate School, I'm just not happy and it's the right thing for me to do but I don't want anyone to call me to talk about my decision so I'm here talking to you right now, I'm not a lost student, there's no saving me, I'm dropping out to pursue other opportunities that are more important to me and my life path at this point in time...."
"Hi Jessica, why don't you come on in and have a seat?"
That's when I took a breath. Everything was fine. Dr. Kemker is great, and I slowed down and updated him on what's been happening in my life - it was very therapeutic, actually. Anyway, I don't think anyone will call me, but if they do, I will just tell them the "short" version of all the above.
Will dropping-out of grad school solve all my "issues"? No...I'm sure they run deeper. But at least now I will have more time to do things that I want to be doing, and I feel more in control of my life...
Next step? TEFL certification. I think :)
My friend Ronnie said to me, "Lamb, that's like, a THIRD of the way done!" Yes...okay, it is. BUT, at the rate I've been going it would be a least another two whole years before I could finish (and that's not including writing a thesis).
It hit me the other day, "I'm unhappy!"
It was an enlightening moment when I realized I've been so miserable lately because I'm completely overwhelmed. I can see now that it started months ago, probably around the time I returned from The Abbey. Since then I've been overworked, over-programmed, I haven't had enough "me" time, I don't get enough time to cultivate the relationships that are so important to me, or enough time to volunteer, or enough time to just read for pleasure! There were issues with the house right when I returned from London, I don't feel like I had a break between BSP and walking back into the office Monday (yes, I realize taking the weekend to go to AR in search of a bridesmaid dress was my choice, but also my duty as MOH, and I wanted to go), I've moved three times in less than a year (house, Pontlevoy, London), started graduate school in a program I now realize I "settled" for just to start a degree...
The list goes on but you catch my drift.
I came to the swift realization that I have ZERO interest in spending another moment of my precious time completing a degree I was pursuing "to have a degree". When I asked myself, "why are you in graduate school?" the only answer I could honestly state was, "to put it on my resume?"
WHAT? That's never been me. No, thank you.
Could I continue and complete the degree and do very well in the program? Yes, of course - but I don't WANT to. The professors are wonderful, I will miss being in class, and I was learning a lot, yes, but I have no interest in taking a Communication master's degree anywhere further. So why continue just to finish and be miserable along the way? I even went to the Department's welcome-back-to-school picnic the other day, just to be sure I wasn't having one of my flighty moments...but I didn't waiver.
Before I clicked "the button" - the button that would drop me from ALL classes - I sent an short email to dear friends and family I trust, just asking their thoughts. The reactions were different but similar. Everyone told me to do what is best for me.
Kim called to say, "I don't know why you even sent that email out, the fact that you sent it means you've already made up your mind to do it because you don't talk about things like this unless you've already decided what to do, so why do you care what anyone's opinion is?"
Ha! She's so right!
Sweet Lolly shared her 100-Page-Rule, "I have a 100 Page Rule when I read a book. I give it 100 pages to draw me in. If it doesn't happen by that 100th page - I put it down and give it away. There are too many lovely books to read and my time is too precious to waste." She said that it was clear I had reached my 100-page-limit!
Holly agreed with Lolly - and her response has been my favorite so far, "Finishing for the sake of finishing is no good. Would you finish all the french fries just because they are there - even if you knew it was going to stress you out because you ate them all? Would you drink a bad martini or would you order something else? Would you keep a dress you didn't really like that cost you $200 or would you return it and get a dress that you did like? Would you date a guy you weren't totally in love with just because you invested time and effort or would you "quit" him because that is the right thing to do (we know your answer to this one)? Life is too short. Say adios to this program and do something you like. You are awesome."
So, I did it. I clicked the button yesterday. That was an event in itself. I had to complete a survey questioning why I was leaving - and then a screen popped up sharing all the departments that would be notified of my "dropping out". Luckyday was one of them and I didn't have the option to un-click it even though I don't receive any aid from them anymore. For those of you who don't know, The Luckyday Scholarship is a service-learning-based scholarship I was a part of in undergrad and am now still involved in as part of the Alumni Board. I was instructed to phone the Director PIROR to my completing the withdrawal process. The number listed was Staci's - so I called, and informed her of my decision. I have always been one to follow the rules and do things, "the right way". She said very few students actually call, so I was setting a great example! Thanks Staci :)
At the very end of the survey I was told that personnel from our retention office would be in contact with me over the next 48 hours to discuss my decision.
NOOOOOO! I don't want to TALK about it anymore!
Then it occurred to me that the Office of Retention is down the hall from my office - I KNOW those people! So I marched down to see Dr. Kemker. Laura was on the phone so I walked right into his office, sat down, and the word vomit commenced. I think, by the sight of his grinning the entire time I spoke without breathing, he found amusement in my story?
"Hi, can I come in? I just clicked that button to drop ALL my classes so I'm withdrawing from Graduate School, I'm just not happy and it's the right thing for me to do but I don't want anyone to call me to talk about my decision so I'm here talking to you right now, I'm not a lost student, there's no saving me, I'm dropping out to pursue other opportunities that are more important to me and my life path at this point in time...."
"Hi Jessica, why don't you come on in and have a seat?"
That's when I took a breath. Everything was fine. Dr. Kemker is great, and I slowed down and updated him on what's been happening in my life - it was very therapeutic, actually. Anyway, I don't think anyone will call me, but if they do, I will just tell them the "short" version of all the above.
Will dropping-out of grad school solve all my "issues"? No...I'm sure they run deeper. But at least now I will have more time to do things that I want to be doing, and I feel more in control of my life...
Next step? TEFL certification. I think :)
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